Neil's guide to surviving today's Tube strike

1. Remember: You will be late for everything. Do not panic about this.

2. Today is one day where your boss simply cannot expect you to be on time, which is something you should defintely turn to your advantage. For myself, I'll be enjoying a hearty breakfast before I leave the house. I always promise myself a decent breakfast, but too often end up tear-arsing out of the house stuffing last night's pizza into my mouth. Not today, though. Mine's the healthy muesli and yoghurt. Or bagel. Or bacon roll. Whatever. The difference between being three hours late and three-hours-and-fifteen-minutes late is negligible. Use your new-found time wisely.

3. When you see three thousand people trying to cram themselves onto a bus, do you really want to be on it? No. Of course you don't. Let them have it. There'll be others. If you're starting to get concerned about the length of time time you've been standing at a bus stop, see point 1.

4. London has more park land than any other major city in the world. When was the last time you enjoyed some of it sober? Take the opportunity to walk through one on your way in - walk on the grass, smile at the sun, sit down and talk to the ducks. You'll be surprised how good you feel when you (finally) arrive.

5. When leaving work, do not try to board the next bus out of town. Nor overground for that matter. This will almost certanly prove completely unbearable. There are plenty of far more enjoyable places to get jostled around in and where you have to stand because there are no seats. The pub, for example. Mine's a Kronenbourg, if anyone fancies joining me later on. A night bus pissed is a night bus pissed, Tube strike or no.

6. Above all, chill out and enjoy it. Try to picture it as something a bit different - an exciting London-adventure, if you will. Yes, it is true, the entire city will grind to a halt because its local-transport staff don't fancy working a five-day week anymore, but dwelling on that may just wind you up. And that won't help at all.

Best of luck, amigos.

Oh, and for those of you who don't live in London, this post may not be so relevant. So I shouldn't bother reading it. Between you, me and the gatepost, it's crap anyway.

I received the following text on my phone recently:

Sent 27/06/04 21:17:31
From: BangBabes

Mate u got 2 check out new
BangBabes Sky Digital chan
427 tonite at 12! Topless
footie, babes showering
together & drying each
other. Well dirty! Don't miss
it!

Apart for the fact that I don't remember signing up for the Orange Talk Like A Panting Moron 120 Anytime plan, I'm tempted to reply to my new friend here and ask him where he was when I was missing the Brian Wilson Live for the First Time in a Gabillion Years documentary on BBC4 two weeks ago.

Still, at least I won't miss the 'BangBabes' when they're being 'well dirty', hmm?

Fucking.


Penalties.


Again.

Little to say and a lot to do. See you very shortly.

I'm not the only one getting a good feeling about this, am I?

To the girl busking the wonderful slow-tempo version of The One I Love at Piccadilly Circus tube station this afternoon:

Please marry me.

To celebrate England's victory last night (which I watched on the smallest television in London from about four miles away, I believe) I thought I'd stay in the pub for one drink.

So I had one drink.

Granted, it was one very large drink, served in a series of pint glasses, but one drink nonetheless.

I wish that whoever it is in my head smashing the place up with a hammer would just stop. They're spoiling my day off.

A quick Friday one for you, borrowed from a friend:

If you had to be a member of either Duran Duran or Spandau Ballet in their heyday, which would you choose, and why?

Slept through my alarm (as usual) this morning, so had six minutes to get ready and leave the house. No shower, unable to do anything with hair, unironed shirt.

I felt like this all day...

It's been a week, so another update.

Days since last update: 7
Cigarettes smoked since last update: 0
Alcohol units consumed since last update: 0
Likelihood I would have stayed off the cigarettes had I been drinking since last update: 0
Number of terribly nail-biting and ultimately disappointing international football matches involving England since last update: 1

My body is a temple. Come pray.

Here's a picture of the splinter I pulled out of my finger this afternoon, and the man who helped me remove it.

Two goodbyes

You said - I'm going to stay with him. I've made a commitment. It's not fair to leave him.
I said - I think you're making a mistake. I think this is all wrong. I think you want to be with me.
You said - I'm sorry.

I walked you to the Tube station. It was a beautiful night. We linked arms - our footsteps synchronised.

We stopped walking when we stepped onto the escalator. We traveled downwards in silence. There was a busker playing a violin. I watched the nape of your neck.

On the platform I felt a panic rising. I was about to lose something that I could never get back. I looked at the departure board hanging over me. I had one minute of you left.

We chatted. About nothing. Without eye contact. Without touching. We filled dead air. Your train arrived soon enough.

We stepped towards each other, a goodbye hug. That was when you kissed me, and I kissed you. We didn't stop, your train left without you. So did the next one.

You leaned back from me and looked into my eyes. I met your gaze and brushed the hair from your face.

You said - It's not fair to leave him. I've made a commitment.
I said - I think you're making a mistake.
You said - I'm sorry.

You took the third train. I took the escalator back up. The violinist had gone.

You know those hanging handles you get on buses? The stitched canvas things that loop around your hand and are attached to the roof of the bus?

I think they're rubbish.

But if you take one in either hand and lean back, you can pretend you're flying a kite.

Potentialise This...

I've worked in offices for six of the last eight years (record shops make up the gaps) and, like many of you (I'm sure), I've been subjected to a fair share of business-speak. Every business I've worked in has had its own language, often based on misunderstood and bastardised version of the current business-thinking.

I'm not a fan. I think it's divisive and cliquey and stands in the way of effective communication. I make a fairly stroppy point of not using it myself, although sometimes I do fall into it. I most often find myself using it when I'm in situations I'm not comfortable with (an argument, for instance), which gives me some idea of the mindset of those who use it constantly.

The following is a list of some I've heard over the last few years. I'd struggle to call them 'favourites', but they're definitely highlights.

A blue-sky scenario An unspecified point in the future when everything is okay.

A walk in the woods A chat. One might often go for a walk in the woods in a blue-sky scenario

Empowerment There can't be many of you who don't know this one. This was de rigueur back in the day. It even got as far as the lower echelons of the civil service (believe me, I know...). Basically, it means people taking responsibilty for what they're doing and thinking about it a bit.

Solutionise My current favourite. Overheard recently. To fix something, I would guess.

A straw man To produce a straw man is to sketch something out in the early stages of a project.

Low-hanging fruit Things that are quick and easy to do and reap large benefits.

Mission critical Important.

Risk-averse Cautious.

And so on. There's plenty.

Does anybody here have any such 'favourites'? And also, how about some you've made up yourself? Instead of a straw man I used the phrase a wicker man in an e-mail recently, as well as to cataract, instead of the more popular cascade - meaning to disseminate information

This post was inspired by the introduction of 'face time' over here

Quick update, as I am busy.

Days since I stopped smoking: 7
Cigarettes smoked since I stopped smoking: 30
Days during which I have not smoked since I stopped smoking: 5
Most consecutive days I have not smoked since I stopped smoking: 3
Alcohol units I've consumed since I stopped smoking: something like 20. Maybe 25
Cigarettes smoked while sober since I stopped smoking: 0
Likelihood that I will stop smoking for good if I keep drinking at such a rate: 0

There may be a connection here...

There is no way I'll be beaten by this. No way at all.

Friday Night Maths

So, to sum up the comments from the last post, blind dates can include world championship darts, Outkast, an unspecified disaster and four cemeteries, and lead to one relationship and one marriage.

Hmm.

On to today. No proper music thing this week, but I do have this lovely meme stolen from this lovely sort...

1. Your favorite song with the name of a city in the title or text.

Don't Go Back To Rockville by REM

2. A song you've listened to repeatedly when you were depressed at some point in your life.

God Only Knows by The Beach Boys

3. Ever bought an entire album just for one song and wound up disliking everything but that song? Gimme that song.

Get What You Give by The New Radicals. I know, I know...

4. A great song in a language other than English.

Nomus Et Phusis by Stereolab

5. Your least favorite song on one of your favorite albums of all time.

Save The Children from Marvin Gaye's What's Going On? What indeed...

6. A song you like by someone you find physically unattractive or otherwise repellent.

Boilermaker by Jesus Lizard

7. Your favorite song that has expletives in it that's not by Liz Phair.

500 Cunting Miles by The Proclaimers

8. A song that sounds as if it's by someone British but isn't.

Whatever Happened To My Rock 'n Roll (Punk Song) by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

9. A song you like (possibly from your past) that took you forever to finally locate a copy of.

You Made Me Realise by My Bloody Valentine (12" EP)

10. A song that reminds you of summer but doesn't mention summer at all.

Mr Spaceman by The Byrds

11. A song that sounds to you like being happy feels.

Light and Day by The Polyphonic Spree

12. Your favorite song from a non-soundtrack compilation album.

Frosty The Snowman by The Ronettes taken from A Christmas Gift For You From Phil Spector

13. A song that reminds you of high school.

In The Meantime by Helmet

14. A song that reminds you of college.

Hoover Dam by Sugar

15. A song you actually like by an artist you otherwise dislike.

Everything Hits At Once by Spoon

16. A song by a band that features three or more female members.

You by The Bush, The Tree and Me

17. One of the earliest songs that you can remember listening to.

Oliver's Army by Elvis Costello And The Attractions

18. A song you've been mocked by friends for liking.

See Number 3

19. A really good cover version you think no one else has heard.

Jealous Guy by Sophia

20. A song that has helped cheer you up (or empowered you somehow) after a breakup or otherwise difficult situation.

Race For The Prize by The Flaming Lips


And one other thing. I haven't smoked in the last 48 hours. Bring it on.

I've been offered a blind date by the new temp in our office. She has a cute single friend and she wants to match us up. I'm tempted to take up the offer.

But I'm not very good at dates, blind or otherwise. I tend to talk too much and too quickly and I say dumb things. And I never know what to wear. I'm a bit nervous about the idea and it's preventing me from saying I'll do it.

So, I feel I need a little bit of positive reinforcement. Have any of you got any good blind date experiences you're prepared to share?

You could be doing me a great service.